Define Normal: Diagnosis

This week I was officially diagnosed neurodivergent (ND). I have combined ADHD and Autism Spectrum Disorder.

I am 48. I am medically retired, have been married for nearly 30 years, three sort of adult children and about to be a grandmother.

I sought this diagnosis because I needed to understand myself. I needed to understand my constant anxiety, my paranoia, why I can't remember what I was talking about halfway through a sentence. I wanted confirmation that I am not defective, that I fit somewhere, because most of the time I don't feel like I fit anywhere.

I am an outsider, watching carefully like an alien. Trying to copy socially acceptable behaviour. Trying to be 'normal' (BTW, I dont think I ever actually achieved that).

Social media has been an interesting experience. I am generally either an early adopter of technology, or I avoid it because it is too popular (it is the anarchist in me). Tiktok was one that avoided for a while, but then lockdown, finishing work, feeling isolated and disconnected, Tiktok became a bit of a rabbit hole.

Like Alice, I found this alternate universe. Artists of all types, creatives, diverse gender and sexuality. I started watching ND content because of my kids, and clients that I have worked with as a meditation coach and holistic therapist. I was also watching mental health content as I have lived my whole life with anxiety, depression, c-ptsd, panic attacks ...

And then I noticed that there was a lot of personal resonance with the ND content. I could see myself in so much of it. It made sense to me.

I have talked to my health professionals, to friends, to people that I respect. I have investigated, researched, studied.

Now I have a diagnosis. Not a black and white label, but a framework.

I feel relieved. I feel validated. I feel free. I have permission to be myself. To be weird, awkward, strange, unique. To be obsessively interested in something. To have an alternate viewpoint. To find a unique solution or a different approach.

I am proud of myself and I have so much of the world to explore as myself and not a half arsed, watered down, pale version of myself